Saturday, 15 August 2015

Working Through Pain

Hello there! 

It's been a while hasn't it? My last post on my progress was on 12th June, over 2 months ago. Oops!

Things haven't been that great on the weight loss front for me
 I think I'm currently around 13 stone 6lbs, although I managed to get down to 12 stone 10lbs on 29th June. Then a family situation cropped up and it all went downhill from there. 

I've written this post to help others who go through the same thing but also I find that writing things down for me is therapeutic. Even if no one saw this, it would help me getting my thoughts out of my mind and onto 'paper' so to speak. I've been wanting to write this post and 'come clean' for a while now. So here goes! 

I have restarted countless times since the beginning of July. All because my heart wasn't in it. I was just doing it because I knew I needed to and because I didn't want to let my PT down. I didn't actually want to do it. And that's the crux of achieving something. You have to WANT it. You have to want the end result so badly that it drives you to keep going. And over the past 6 weeks, I just haven't wanted to do it. 
I've allowed every little excuse to be a reason as to why I would eat the wrong foods in vast quantities, why I wouldn't exercise and why I would drink alcohol. My mind hasn't been in the zone and I've been trying to wrack my brains to figure out why.

This year hasn't been a bad year for me, I'm not going to give an 'all woe is me' speech here because it hasn't been like that at all. I've changed jobs which has been great, my nephew was born in April and I met up with an amazing group of people from Twitter who I am proud to call my friends. But my weightloss journey has been a rollercoaster of gaining and losing the same stone all year long. I've gone through some family challenges and the last one definitely sparked off me hitting the self destruct button with the rollercoaster derailing and crashing to the ground. 

I also got back in touch with the guy from 2 years ago (yes I know, 2 years ago!) who broke my heart. I felt that I needed closure from what happened as something still wasn't sitting right and I was hoping that an in person explanation from him would give me what I needed to move on because I was struggling to do it myself. Although the meet up didn't go as planned, his dismissal towards everything hurt but at the time, I felt that his attitude was the closure I needed to move on. What I didn't work through was the hurt I was feeling, I just ignored it and got on with my life.

Then... Thursday night it hit me. My mum had given me a voucher for a full body massage months ago and Thursday night I'd booked in to use it. I was driving to the salon when I realised that I was or had been in pain. Not physical pain, mental pain from the 2 things that had happened recently. And I was using my usual method of binging and drinking to numb that pain. Even though the family situation has completely resolved itself and everything is fine again, I was still trying to feed the fat girl inside me who was hurting. Food for me is a coping mechanism for stress, sadness, anger and hurt.

Some of you may be thinking... Pathetic excuses, that guy was from 2 years ago, stop being a twat and just get on with it. Well you know what? Sometimes I can do that, sometimes I can just push it all to the back of my mind and get on with it. Then something sparks off my food addiction and I find myself binging on junk food and not actually working through the pain which ends up becoming 10 times worse because I end up staying off plan for weeks and weeks. Not actually achieving the goals that I want to be achieving. 

I haven't written this post for attention. I'm not asking for sympathy comments or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm doing my best to be REAL. We all have struggles, physical and mental ones. I am terrible for being very active on social media when my weight loss is going well and avoiding it when I gain weight. I'm not being honest, I'm hiding away and I need to stop doing that. Losing weight is a journey of ups and downs. Some people are brave and strong enough to post their downs on social media and I respect that so much because it takes courage to post a weigh in gain or a meal that isn't on plan.

Mindset plays such a huge part with losing weight. Without it you're attempting something without passion, without soul, without real strength and determination. Going through the motions with no heart behind it may still give you results but would there be a real sense of achievement? Could you have got better results by giving it your all?

I'm definitely scared to start clean eating and exercising again. I'm not scared of putting in the effort of meal planning, cooking and exercise. I've realised that I'm scared of failing for the countless time. I'm scared of seeing the numbers on the scales that I don't want to see. I'm scared of the disappointment on my PT's face when I tell him I've had a bad week of food and no exercise. I'm scared of seeing my running time increase by 2 minutes because I can't run as fast as I used to. I'm scared of looking at the smaller clothes I've bought recently and feeling that they will never fit me.
Despite being scared, I hate all of those things too. I want to wear the clothes I've bought, I want to see my running time get better, I want to see the numbers on the scale change and I want my PT to be proud of me. 

As much as I want this to be a quick fix overnight, I can't trick my mind into all guns blazing mode. I'm still trying to repair myself from being hurt and work through my trust issues with relationships and falling in love again and that's not going to happen tomorrow. But I do know that I woke up on Friday feeling like I'd put 50% of the puzzle together and I was starting to feel better about things. I need to nourish my body with good healthy food and exercise, not damage myself further with junk food and booze.

So instead of dragging my bad habits on for another day, I threw away the pizza that I brought home last night and cooked up some pancakes with freshly chopping mango for breakfast with a decaf tea:

Not 100% sure what I'm having for dinner yet, although I'm thinking Chilli with some veggies on the side. Working my way through my first litre of water at the moment!

This weekend I'm going to use the time for some much needed soul searching, digging deep to find my motivation again and get my life in order. So bring it on

Until next time

Much Love

Just Ems

Start Date: 7th October 2014
Highest Weight: 16 stone 2lbs - July 2014
Lowest Weight: 9 stone 12lbs - April 2009
Start Weight: 15 stone 8lbs - October 2014
Current Weight: 13 stone 6lbs
Total Weight Lost: 39lbs
Height 5'2

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